I can't believe that it's already July! Where has this year gone? I must admit that the first half of 2018 has been a rough six months on the writing front for me, with the past two months being the worst. Not only have I been suffering from some physical health issues, but I have been suffering from depression as well. The depression has been pretty severe since May when I lost my sweet little dog and I have really be struggling to get anything done. I manage to make it to the day job. I cook dinner and keep the apartment in some sort of order. I get groceries and manage to do laundry. Basically I do enough to barely keep it all together, but nothing more. I struggle to write, to even blog. I haven't been promoting my work much. I haven't been working out, or socializing, or actually living a life. I've been existing.
But a lot can change in six months and I am hoping to start making some changes starting now. Last week I socialized more than I have in quite some time. I am working on blogs for the month and trying to get that back on schedule. Yesterday I finally put my Fitbit back on and am trying to get back to walking and doing yoga. The going is slow but it is going. My husband and I are talking about starting a healthy eating plan together. I am making some forward progress. So now what I really need to work on is writing.
I have been thinking about writing a lot even though I haven't been doing any actual writing. Even was I was writing earlier in the year I wasn't really happy or feeling what I was writing. I wrote a m/m romance that I feel I just went through the motions with. It's definitely not my best work and I am not sure that I even want to work on it for release. So what I have been thinking is that I need a change of pace when it comes to writing. I'm going to back off straight romance for awhile. I think that I am going to explore with different genres. I have an idea for a four part hard fantasy series. I also have an idea for a New Orleans voodoo series. I want to finish my romantic fantasy sequel to Quest for Redemption. When it comes to romance again I want to finish my Gods Behaving Badly series. I really think that I need to work on writing just for me again, not writing for what publishers and markets want. I need to find my passion for writing again, to make writing fun again, or I just need to give up and find a full time day job. I am going to work on making that decision over the next six months.
Sorry that I have been missing in action the past couple of weeks. Sometimes life gets hard and I struggle to write during those times. That has actually been me the past couple of months, but these past two weeks my depression has really gotten the better of me. Some days I can't even turn on the computer to get writing work done. Of course I am a writer, so not writing just fuels my depression and a vicious cycle begins.
Last night I was asked to write a flash fiction story for my publisher, which I truly hope is up to their standards, but being asked for something directly helped to push me into action. I wrote a 1000 word story. I am blogging this morning. It may not seem like a lot, but I hope that means that my mind is seeing some light and that I might be getting back to writing. At least I pray that I am.
You see writing really helps me with my depression. Writing helps me escape some of the harsh realities I am dealing with in my real life. Writing is part of me and I need to do it to stay sane. When I struggle with words, well I struggle even more in life. That is why writing is so important to this person with depression.
Sorry that I have been missing for a bit. Depression reared it's ugly head for both my husband and myself and it has gotten in the way of some aspects of my life, like writing and blogging. Seriously last week I was lucky to make it to my day job and get some dinner made. That's what depression does to me, gets in the way of my life and my plans. Even the simplest things seem to take all of my energy. My motivation is gone. My sense of self is gone. Nothing really seems to matter and I can't seem to get anything done no matter how hard I try. It's not a pretty sight. I do okay in faking it when I am at the day job. I plaster a fake smile on my face and act like I am alive inside. That works with people who don't know me. Once I am home and faced with my own company, well the depression takes over and makes me useless.
This week I am still depressed, but I am trying to work my way out of it. I have a plan for the week. So far I am sticking to the plan. I am slowly getting out of my depressive state and getting back to normal. I know that my depression could dip again at any moment, but I am trying to cut myself some slack and get what I can done. I figure as long as I am moving forward I am going good.
I hope my readers can be patient with me. I am still blogging and still writing, sometimes life just gets in the way and makes me way slower than I would like. Hang in there with me. Thanks.
I have been going through a lot lately, much of which that I am not going to talk about at this moment, but trust me it has been a trying time of late. I have been filled with anxiety, which has led to a almost crippling depression. I still have to go to the day job and smile and be nice to people, even when cranky and rude people are yelling at me when I can't change anything and when they know I am not the manager. Last week one man came to yell at me no less than 5 times even after talking to the actual manager. Apparently it made him feel better to yell at someone over and over again, but it took everything inside of me not to crack right then and there. He was yelling about a movie. I am dealing with life and death in my personal life and I had to smile at a jerk like that. Yeah, that day at work made everything worse. Now I have spiraled into a feeling a despair. Writing and editing need to be done, but my mind doesn't want to focus. I don't want to get out of bed and pretend to be normal and happy. I just want to cry and never see anyone again. That is the reality behind depression. But I am good at pretending and no one really knows how I feel most of the time.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. Maybe I need a release. Maybe I want to help show others feeling the same way that they are not alone. I don't know, but this is a theme that I think that I will be writing about more this year. Let's see if it helps. As I feel right now I don't think that it can make me feel any worse.
I have been dealing with a lot lately, from health issues and learning my new normal after my hysterectomy (hormones anyone?), to our car being broken into and made undrivable, to seeing less of my husband, and medical and car bills causing a lot of stress. This all has set off my anxiety and depression into overdrive. My mind is in a constant stage of stress.
So my main struggle of late has been to control the stress and to try to get out of this funk. I am looking for a part time job to ease some financial woes. I am trying to get back into meditation daily to deal with the anxiety and depression. And I am also spending a lot of time reading. I am escaping into worlds of fiction to allow me to deal with the real world. Sure, I could do this by writing as well, but writing has not been going too well lately. I am stuck. I can't seem to finish anything. Stress has my writing blocked, so reading is where my escapism is at the moment.
This means that I will be posting a lot of reviews, from indie authors and mainstream authors as well. It gives me a chance to share books and writing, even if they aren't my books and writing. Though I have some rather new books and a couple Christmas themed shorts that I might be sharing with all of you this month. So keep looking for book reviews and feel free to give me suggestions on to what I should add to me To Read list.
Author, artist, jewelry maker and all around creative person. I write in many genres and have a lot of fun doing so. Please take a look around and enjoy!